OVERBREADTH

I’m glad Hollywood has realized that it’s high time we stopped complaining about war and started glorifying it by a live-action film portrayal of the animated “real” american hero G.I. Joe. To celebrate this development, lets match up the actors with the G.I. Joe character they’ll be playing in their upcoming fight to save the day.

Channing Tatum as Duke

We all remember Channing Tatum’s dynamic performance as anonymous boy in the church scene from War of the Worlds. Well he’s back, this time playing First Sergeant Conrad S. Hauser, whom we know affectionately as Duke. For some inexplicable reason, Duke was a favorite of the G.I. Joe series, despite being a top-of-his-class, french-speaking prick. Here’s to hoping the film breaks from G.I. Joe tradition and has one of those stray gun-shots take him out in the first scene.

Rachel Nichols as Scarlett

As the first female action figure in the G.I. Joe line-up, Scarlett was for many of us, our first introduction to the female body, a body that features elbows and knees that articulate. Where others fire guns, Scarlett prefers a crossbow, an homage perhaps to a rubber-band firing design that makes use of the rubber-cord that holds together her midsection. Fantasy fiction always has room for a long-haired redhead, and we’re pleased to see hotty Rachel Nichols twist and bend in ways we choreographed when we were twelve years old. (Please forgive my thumbnail generator, which, like me, is obsessed with rubber-band midsections.)

Dennis Quaid as General Hawk

Before you go thinking this is tough-guy typecasting, remember that Dennis Quaid is one of the few people in Hollywood who can honestly claim he raised a hermaphroditic Drac child while stranded on a hostile alien world. Okay, nobody remembers Alien Mine. How ’bout the time he had a tiny SNL comedian injected into his–oh nevermind. He returns now to the big screen as a less-hawkish version of General Petraeus, pictured here fighting evildoers the old-fashioned way, with flamethrower on and safety goggles off.

Sienna Miller as the Barroness

I know, I know, it’s a little hard to imagine Sienna Miller in the role, but we can’t complain too much about the inclusion of Sienna, best known for her performance in–jeez, what’s she been in–best known for Sienna Miller gallery websites. Given her already-existing success with internet fetish sites, her new role with long black hair, black rimmed glasses, and a black leather outfit promises to crash the internet. Also, according to Wikipedia, Miller “learned how to fire live ammunition in preparation for the role.” I for one am glad to hear they’re firing live ammunition on set. Realism, baby.

Saïd Taghmaoui as Breaker

That’s right, I said Saïd. Saïd is slated to play the lovable Alvin R. Kibbey, who goes by the derogatory nickname Breaker and long-since gave up the poor come-back, “I hardly met her!” Breaker, you’ll recall, is the communications officer, which in sci-fi terms means he’s capable of speaking a bajillion languages, but never on screen. This time may be different as he’s been cast as a translator before (I Heart Huckabee). We’re proud that Hollywood has progressed to a point where even a Frenchman born to Moroccan immigrants can be cast as a small-role communications officer to die in an early scene.

Karolína Kurková as Cover Girl

Courtney A. Kreiger (Cover Girl) was a highly successful fashion model who graced the covers of countless magazines, before deciding that she found the world of modeling unfulfilling and joined G.I. Joe. By contrast, Karolína Kurková was a highly successful fashion model who graced the covers of countless magazines, before deciding that she found the world of modeling unfulfilling and joined G.I. Joe. It’s unclear, frankly, how she’s able to relate to the character. I expect it will be tough to top her performance as Victoria Secret’s Diamond Fantasy Bra girl. But to be fair, the Victoria Secret catalog was the next place we learned about the female form, after G.I. Joe, so there’s a legitimate rationale in the casting here.

Darth Maul (a.k.a. Ray Park) as Snake Eyes

Darth Maul, once voted “most promising Darth,” turned out to be a real disappointment for the Empire. He pioneered the use of the controversial two-ended light-saber, which though badass looking, allowed for his defeat to the latte-drinking Obama supporter and hippy Obi-Wan. Darth Maul is back, to play another badass-looking martial artist, Snake Eyes, who took his name after losing his personal fortune to gambling debts.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander

We sortof remember Joseph Fancy-Hyphenated-Name-guy from various sitcoms and obscure episodes of Outer Limits. Now he’s in the badass role of Cobra Commander, threatening to sap it of all its badass, and turn the whole thing into another episode of Third-Rock. Can you really see Joseph as a fanatical leader who “rules with an iron fist” and is hell-bent on world domination? On the other hand, he’ll have something covering his head for the whole movie, so maybe it won’t be so bad. And incidentally, what’s with the hair-dryer gun?

Christopher Eccleston as Destro
Actually, it’s not Destro, it’s James McCullen Destro XXIV, who lives in Castle Destro, in Destro, Scotland. Destro puts the destro in destroy (though not the sometimes-y) and as our favorite villain, it seems a little curious to cast the seminar leader from eXistenZ (anyone remember?). Seriously, what’s going on with the villain choices? Is this the they’re-in-a-mask-so-cast-your-friends strategy at work?  [Update: picture of Eccleston replaced by bag of chicken feed.]

Update: Some images of the cast in costume have been released. Here they are:

Tags: Sci-Fi //