OVERBREADTH

Just like toddlers who’ve learned new words and repeat them over and over, loudly and inappropriately, the media has found a new favorite phrase - “could hurt Obama.”

Wright could hurt Obama. NASCAR could hurt Obama. Hillary overtaking McCain in a single national poll could hurt Obama. In light of all this, I figured I would address the many other threats they’re missing. I bring you a List of the Top Ten Things That Could Hurt Obama:

10. Harsh Exfoliants

Nut-based or overly granulated exfoliants could scrape or irritate Obama’s skin, hurting Obama.

9. Miley Cyrus

With most of the American media consumer obsessing over a semi-nude fifteen year old, under the pretext of disapproval, few will pay attention to any positive statements Obama might make over the next week, hurting Obama.

8. Sunburn

The summer scorchers have hit the USA, and Obama best look not to be hurt by harmful UVA and UVB rays.

7. GTA 4

Most anticipated video game release of the year, Grand Theft Auto IV comes out this week, and so that crucial 18-35 year old demographic Obama depends on will be chowing on McDonalds and shooting up Liberty City, not going to the polls. This can hurt Obama.

6. Words

You may think he’s made of adamantium, but Obama has feelings too. They may not be sticks or stones, but yes, even words can hurt Obama.

5. Bees

Enraged by the heat and maddened at their dwindling numbers as a species, bees might attack in swarms at any moment, hurting Obama.

4. Flesh Eating Bacteria

Lurking in water, on door knobs, even airborne, necrotizing fascitis, also known as flesh eating bacteria, can slip inside and cause sudden and grisly decomposition, hurting Obama.

3. Bullets

Though they share many common values, Obama is not a Kryptonian like Superman. Bullets and most conventional weapons can hurt Obama.

2. Fire

A little discussed but significant vulnerability of his, fire can most definitely hurt Obama.

1. The Media

The media has been coaxed and chided into swiveling the harshest eye possible on Obama, ignoring his opponents’ many illegalities for the sake of endlessly chewing over inanities like his pastor and his bowling game. There is no hotter story than one about what can hurt Obama, making hurting Obama the means and end of every top headline. Of all of the above, with the possible exception of seasnakes, the media can most hurt Obama.

Tags: Snark //