OVERBREADTH

Edwards announced his endorsement for Obama last night, insisting there was “one man” who could bring about all the mighty good things Americans are hankering for:

“There is one man who knows and understands that this is a time for bold leadership … one man … one man … not two, and that man is Barack Obama.”

Our Friendly Neighborhood Trial Lawyer wasn’t parsing his words carefully with the “one man” mantra - after all, “one man” means he’s not saying Hillary’s not capable of these things, right? Right?

In the interests of diversity, I present you a list of the Top Ten Potential Candidates Edwards Could Still Endorse:

10. The Iron Giant (”One Robot”) - Deadlier than John McCain and an asset for any Iraq withdrawal given his ability to eat metal, the fifty-foot tall Giant hits new heights of candidate visibility.  The Drawback?  While he first gained consciousness on earth, citizenship is debatable.

9. McGruff the Crime Dog (”One Dog”) - Good for drawing those conservative Democrats who want a candidate strong on values and tough on crime, McGruff is a family candidate.  The Drawback?  Bad past associations.  You can’t roam the streets for decades without getting some dirt on you.

8. Casper the Friendly Ghost (”One Ghost”) - This downhome spectral sprite lives in a hicktown haunted house that will make allegations of Democrat elitism just disappear.  The Drawback? His family is a pack of assholes, and Americans might not want another Billy Carter or Roger Clinton, especially one with telekinesis.

7. Jamie Madrox, the Multiple Man (”Many Men In One”) - In an era of 0.5 superdelegates, the multiple man - capable of splitting into several versions of himself - fits the political zeitgeist perfectly.  The Drawback?  He served on the X-Men, which has links to former terrorists, and I assure you that Magneto’s anti-American monologues put William Ayres to shame.

6. Brainiac (”One Sentient Gas”) - The master of mind control would have no problem controlling the American public with terror and negative attacks, and big government Democrats might embrace his “one state, one will” hive mind policies.  The Drawback?  Voters want change, not another George W. Bush.

5. Swamp Thing (”One Plant”) - Strong on the environment and on crime, boy-from-the-bayou Swamp Thing can also bring in the southern vote.  The Drawback?  Already too closely connected with the Green Party.

4. Hellboy (”One Demon”) - A potent debater with good defense cred, Hellboy’s “birth” was due to a US military presence overseas, and so he’s as qualified to run as McCain.  The Drawback?  Religion; his very existence offends both Evangelicals and Atheists.

3. Mister T (”One Mr. T”) - Since scientists in 2006 determined that Mister T is actually an entirely different species representing a higher form of human development, Edwards’ endorsement did not exclude supporting him.  The Drawback?  None, and I pity the fool that come up with one.

2. Mantrid (”One von Neumann Machine”) - Mantrid, a self-replicating machine, can bring the kind of monetary resources the Democrats need to replenish the DNC war chest, namely the many planets he has devoured and turned into himself.  And given that he is mathematically unstoppable, it is philosophically impossible to argue with his foreign policy of absorbing other countries into himself.  The Drawback?  Will destroy the world.

1. Skeletor (”One Infinitan”) - With specific plans for leadership (and the big-wheeled, spiked vehicles to go with them), close ties with Democratic Party prominents and a growing core of support in the gay community, Skeletor is the strongest “establishment” candidate around.  And as this picture shows, he already has a formidable staff picked out.  The Drawback?  Too intimately connected to the Clinton campaign.

Tags: Diaries //